( 5 reviews )
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Posted: Apr 15 2008
I wish I had found this book when I began the long journey of discovering how betrayal and infidelity look. It is the most helpful, concise, well-written book on the subject that leaves you feeling whole, or at least on the way to being whole again. I would recommned this book to anyone who suspects, b/c your guts are almost always right, and to anyone who has just found out. Kudos to Ms. Moore. She has given women (and men) some concrete ways to find out what you need to know, to look at the truth about your spouse and yourself, and to make necessary decisions.
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( 2 of 2 found this review helpful ) Posted: Apr 11 2008
I am a reasonably well-adjusted man just shy of 30. I also happen to have graduate training in psychology. I thought it might be helpful to offer another perspective on this book and ones like it. First, it is a fact of life that relationships sometimes end and, yes, that human beings are sometimes unfaithful. However, it is a gigantic error in logic to leap from "lots of men have cheated before" to "my man is cheating right now;" it's no more accurate to make that leap of logic than to state that minorities are more crime-prone or that Muslims are supportive of terrorism. Let me count the practical ways in which this book is misguided: 1) The "evidence" presented is absurd. Is the guy wearing a new shirt? That must indicate a problem! Does he "disappear" at "meetings" on certain days of the week? He's got to be out with someone else! Does he decide "out of the blue" to make changes in his life, like getting a haircut or losing some weight? DANGER!! It's because he's met someone new!! 2) The message is counterproductive. Step back for a moment and consider the state of mind that many women are in when they suspect their man is cheating (or, perhaps you are in this state of mind yourself). They are insecure, they feel they have nowhere to turn or no one to trust. It's natural to seek help and try to find out which "clues" have meaning. Consulting a good (and objective) friend would probably give those women a reality-check, but this book sends the message instead that the man is the enemy. 3) The "advice" that is offered is likely to create more problems than it will solve. What is the best way for a suspecting woman to check up on a man she distrusts? Is it through open communication or even through third-party mediation? Nope. It's to comb through his financial records, look at the messages on his cell phone, and basically to keep track of his whereabouts any time he's outside of the house. What's the likelihood that the man will be upset about this type of surveillance when he finds out? What's the likelihood that the obvious distrust will signal the end of the relationship even if there's no cheating involved? 4) In the end, the book just misses the point. Maybe I am misunderstanding, but I think the authors intended to write something that served to empower women in the face of lies and deceit. How empowering is it to send a woman slinking around talking to private investigators and auditing phone records? I realize that divorce isn't ideal in all situations (where kids are involved, where there is financial dependency, and so on), but REAL empowerment comes from being an equal in the relationship and communicating on equal footing. You certainly won't get there with this book. For those of you who are pursing this for other reasons, I doubt you'll find much to like here -- if you're looking for a sociological study of how relationships dissolve, this definitely isn't it. Try Diane Vaughan's excellent book, Uncoupling, instead of this tripe.
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( 1 of 1 found this review helpful ) Posted: Aug 16 2007
Here's my theory: Many spouses instinctively sense, perhaps even subconsciously, when their mates are cheating. Yet they buy the excuses, deny the telltale signs and pretend that all is normal. Or they think, "What I don't know can't hurt me" or "Cheat, just don't tell me." That is why I'd caution those who purchase this book to be sure they , really want to know if their spouse is being unfaithful. If you would be shocked to discover he is cheating, you aren't ready to know. If you aren't prepared to really deal with the truth, good or bad, you aren't ready. This may seem crazy but there are couples who are willing to put up with cheating as long as it isn't blatant and they aren't told about it. It is the "I don't want to know" mindset or perhaps the "If I don't know, I don't care". They suspect, but they don't want the truth. If you DO care, then this book will help you do some detective work and look for signs of unfaithfulness. Written by a private eye, you are given tips and tricks that could save you the trouble of hiring someone. Just be sure you know what you'll do after that!
